When I See Her by Spike's Soul Love


Summary: Angel knows he and Cordelia can never be together, but that doesn't mean he wants Cordelia and Connor to be together, either.


Spoilers: Rain Of Fire, Season Four.


Notes: First stab at Angel/Cordy angst. I normally write about Spike mostly, but I always loved this ship.



I want to hate her.

I want to hate her so much, but I can't. Not even when I see them together--her and my son. My son. Gods, is the universe against me? I can't even begin to recall the times I've thought about her, wanted to touch her, smell her...love her.

Things I can never do...things he can do.


I can't hate Connor, either. He's my son. My gift. I love him, even if he stole the woman I loved from me. I watch them in the lobby, smiling at each other and I have to wonder, if it's really love between them. Love, love. Or just wanting? Connor is a lot like me--I bet Cordelia realizes that.

And maybe, she's just too afraid of Angelus to commit herself to love me. Maybe that's why she turned to the next best thing--him.

And that's why, when I see her, I feel ripped to shreds. It's worse than the time Buffy pushed the sword through me and sent me to hell. Yeah, ok, can handle that. Been there, done that, moved on. But Cordelia? Why again? Why am I not allowed to be happy just once?

Oh yeah. Cause I'm the hero, and heroes aren't allowed to be happy. If heroes were happy, they wouldn't be interesting. But at this moment, I'd give everything away--my soul, my good deeds, my reputation, just to be where Connor is, his hand enveloped in Cordelia's.

I'm never that lucky. I was once, and it didn't work out.

So maybe Cordelia knew what she was doing after all when she turned from me to my own child.

Maybe one day, I can move on, forget about her and find someone else. Until then, I'm stuck here, pretending to brood while watching them.



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