To Lose Control by Syrenslure


Summary: Angelus came out to play in 'Eternity', what does that mean for Cordelia and Angel?


Spoilers: Eternity, Season One.


Notes: This is my first Cordelia/Angel fic and I love them together. Really, I do, but you wouldn't know it, the way I abuse them in this story. If you only like happy, 'shippy fics, please don't read this. If you can understand that sometimes two people in love can really hurt each other, then read on. I have plenty of tissues to go around. I have to thank Psyche Buffy Transcripts and FanFiction for the Eternity transcript that I used in creating part 2 of this story.



Slowly, Angel returned to consciousness. He awoke confused. Sensations began to penetrate the dim fog that surrounded him.

He was in bed, lying on his stomach. The sheets were cool and tangled around his legs, slightly damp as if he had been tossing and turning to a nightmare. He couldn't remember what it was about, but he sensed that was a good thing. Still, he stretched out tentatively, trying to wake, to get his bearings.

"Warm," was his first thought. His cool hand encountered living flesh, the smooth curve of a stomach rising and falling with deep even breaths. Slowly, he turned his head to face her. He focused first down the length of his arm, his hand resting on her belly, up to the sensuous swell of her breast, the rich mahogany of her hair over her shoulder.

If his heart had been beating, it would have stopped. The breath he didn't need felt like it was locked in his throat. Then he gazed upon her face. His name was torn from his lips in a strangled moan. "Cordelia."

Angel closed his eyes as memories began to assail him. His face contorted in pain. He pushed up from the bed, shaking, and grabbed his clothes. He dressed quickly, haphazardly.

One sock was pulled up; the other clung to his ankle. He closed his pants, but left his belt unbuckled, his shirt untucked. He slid his shoes on and grabbed his coat. He stumbled out of the room like a drunk who had no idea where he was or how he had come to be there.

But he did.

He cursed all of the gods as his memory returned. The nightmare was real. As the door clicked shut behind him, Cordelia rolled to her side and drew her knees tightly to her chest. An anguished sob filled the room and then she cried. A whispered prayer was the only thought she could form. "Angel."


Angelus picked Wesley up and tossed him into a corner, knocking him out.

"Wesley, no!" Cordelia swallowed and turned to Angel. "Well, oh, why don't you juss-ss.."

Angelus mimicked her. "Juss-s? Line? 'Of course a time will come when Torvald is not as devoted to me.'" His voice rose and fell in parody. "You were really, let me tell you, bad."

"Stop it."

"Why?" Angelus asked. "You didn't. I mean, I've been to hell but *that* was so much worse!"

He turned to Rebecca and told her, "You had to be there. I mean, there wasn 't a dry eye in the house, everybody was just laughing so hard. "

Then as if suddenly inspired, he told Cordelia, "Here's a thought. Maybe you can get Raven here to coach you, then you'd actually suck!"

Cordy pulled off the top of her water container and held it in front of her threateningly. She confronted Angelus, while Rebecca tried to sneak out the front door. "Back off!"

Angelus laughed. "What are you going to do? Melt me?"

"One more step and you'll find out. You think this is just water?"

"You're bluffing."

"Am I? You don't think I wasn't ready for this, do you? That I hadn't prepared for it? Why do you think I have a stake stashed in my desk - a cross in my bag? I think about this happening - every single day!" Her hands trembled as she realized the truth in her words, the fear she had never faced. She had once told Angel, "Oh, I'll kill you dead!", but could she really? Could she stake her friend, the man she loved, in order to save innocent others. She was less sure than ever.

"That's just drinking water."

She turned up her bravado, telling him the plans she had though about time and time again, while she hoped and prayed Wesley would wake up. "Fresh from a mountain spring, delivered right to our door - then blessed every second Tuesday by Father Mackie, the local parish priest, while you're down in the Bat-cave, sleeping through the better part of the day. - You don't believe me? - Have some!" She tossed the water in his face, and Angelus groaned and turned away.

A moment later he straightened back up, staring, not burned. Her courage almost spent, Cordelia said, "And the Oscar goes to..." Her thoughts echoed through her mind, "Oh, shit, he didn't get up, he didn't get up. I hope he's ok. I am in so much trouble; at least the stupid bitch got out. Oh, shit I am in trouble." Angelus smelled the fear begin to rise in her, as he realized what she had done. He was pissed. He backhanded her. And then he laughed. This was going to be fun.


She must have hit her head, because the next thing she realized, she was in her apartment. Angelus stood behind her with her hair wrapped around his hand. Her head was forced to the side so that her neck was bared to him and he could whisper in her ear, with that taunting drawl of his.

"Wake up.. Come on, I know your faking. Don't you want to play with me? I bet you'd play with Angel.

"Do you think that I don't know how you feel about him? That he doesn't know?

"Are you so na´ve that you believe he can't feel your eyes on him, following after him like a bitch in heat? That he can't smell your arousal, the way your panties get soaked with your heat whenever he walks into the room? Just like you are now. Or maybe you get that hot for anyone. No," He drew the word at as in disbelief "I don't think so."

"You hate that bitch slayer almost as much as I do, don't you Cordelia? Why is that, hmm? Did she get there before you did? He fell in love with that slut and now won't even look at you?

"I have a cure for that, you know. I am going to fuck you until your pretty little eyes cross and your legs buckle and it's MY name your screaming, not his.

"Then, if he does come back, he'll see clearly what a pathetic tramp you are, forever having the image of you in a moment of passion calling my name."

Angelus laughed evilly and Cordelia struggled against him. "Go to hell," she yelled.

"Oh, I've been there, they sent me back. Don't worry, though, I'll make sure you get to visit." With that, he pulled he hair tighter, causing her body to fall back against his. She could feel his arousal through the thin material of her skirt, and suddenly she was pressed up against the wall, his lean body tight up against her. She could barely breathe as he pulled her skirt roughly up over her hips. He ripped off the delicate lace panties that were her last barrier and threw them across the room.

She froze up, determined not to respond, to try to ignore him. She prayed that this would just be over soon. She should have known that no one would answer.

He pressed his hardness up against the rounded globes of her has, wiggling his hips back and forth to bury himself in the shallow crevice there. Then he moved back and forth as if he was fucking her with a slow, easy rhythm. He was going to make good on his promises. He and the hot little bitch were going to have fun tonight.

She tried to ignore him as he ripped her top open and grabbed her pert full breasts. He began massaging her nipple and licking and nipping at her throat and along that delicate area behind ear.

Her head fell to the side and he released her hair, sliding his arm around her. His other hand traveled down to her damp sex, where he stroked her folds, gently, teasingly, until she opened her legs, spreading her stance, melting into him. He knew he had won. She was his and he rewarded her. He reached up an rubbed her clit, pressing it against her pelvic wall until she exploded, crying out, "Angel!"

Angelus didn't mind, as he sheathed himself in her warmth, after all the night was young, and he had plenty of time to teach her.

She almost felt remorse but what he was doing felt to good, for any other thought to stay in her mind. "Besides," she rationalized, "I have tonight. No matter what happens tomorrow, I have tonight."


Cordelia still didn't regret her one night, but that didn't make it any easier to face the morning after, or Angel. Cordelia pushed her shoulders back and stood up straight. She felt like someone had shoved a pole up her spine. She pasted on a smile and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She realized that this was the same exercise she used to go through every morning in high school before she left her room. It had been a long time since she felt like she needed that armor.

"You can do this. You're Cordelia Chase. You've been through this before. Remember that loser Xander, the whole rebar through the stomach thing. It can't hurt worse than *that*." But inside she knew it did. She had never hurt so much in her life. All because she had been stupid enough to fall for the one man she knew was off-limits.

She knew he still brooded daily over the love of his life, cry-Buffy. She also knew how gentle his soul could be, how hard he fought to save everyone he could and how anguished he was over the ones that he couldn't. Because of that, she couldn't stand up to the demon that wore her best friend's face.

After she steeled herself, she walked into the office and was met by. silence, dead silence. "Where the hell are they?" This was her moment, her I am ok, nothing can phase me, "not-even-being-rejected-after-making-love-to-the-man-I-love moment" and no one was here to see it. "Dammit."

And then he was there. The old elevator creaked as he opened to old-fashioned gate and suddenly there he was, freshly showered, looking immaculate as always. She saw his bare feet and started to smile in spite of herself, getting ready to playfully scold him about it as always, and then she remembered and sobered immediately.

He started to speak. Or at least she thought he did. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. He just stood there, looking at her, but not quite meeting her eyes. He was embarrassed.

"Does he think I'm going to make a scene? I have more self-respect than THAT. All I have to do is walk over to my desk, turn on the computer and pretend that nothing happened. I can do that," she thought.

And she almost made it. Then he said her name. "Cordelia. I.."

She waited, and when he couldn't continue something inside her snapped.

"You know what, Angel, I'm sorry. I am sorry I wanted him. I know who and what he is, but it was your face I saw, your lips I felt when he kissed me and your hands I felt when he touched me.

"You can just be sorry for both of us, 'cause I'm not sorry. Have you looked in the mirror lately? That's right, you can't. I hate to be the one to tell you, but you're a vampire Angel, whatever your name may be. I know that you have done things that make my skin crawl and make me want to throw up.

"Then you became all soul boy. You locked that part of you up in a nice little cage and expected everything to be alright. Well, here's a news flash Angel. You didn't lose your soul last night. If you did you wouldn't be standing here now, feeling sorry for poor little Cordy. You lost control. That was you in my bed last night, whatever you might want to believe you wanted what he did.

"I can accept both parts of you Angel and you can't. You spent so long listening to the poor little slayer tell you that you're not the same person that you believe it. You know what Angel, until you grow up and realize that you're a DEMON and deal with it, learn how to really control it, instead of trying to lock it away, you are just going to have to deal with the consequences of what happens when it gets out of that cage you try to hold it in.

"'Cause guess what, Angel, I talked to Willow. You can't lose your soul. It's permanent."

He stared at her, trying to process what she was telling him. Part of him wanted to rebel and say that this was the Cordelia that he knew. This wasn't his friend. How could she say this to him? Part of him was so angry. She slept with Angelus, she knew what she was doing and she slept with him. Arousal tinged the anger and fueled it as his mind showed him just what she had done with his alter ego. Awareness set in, and he knew that it was Cordelia and she was right, but it was too late.

He watched her turn from him and open the door, preparing to walk out the door and out of his life. "Congratulations," she said bitterly, and then she was gone.


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