No One To Cuddle by AngelChase


Summary: The vampire nature cannot be fought.


Spoilers: Up to Couplet (Season Three).


Notes: First in the Cuddle Series.


Distribution: Anyone can have it, just let me know where it is posted...


I once was told that, as vampires go, I am a member of the cuddly kind. Still, I canít help to smile at the irony, since there are no cuddly vampires. And I am proof of that, sitting here, on my bed, in the dark and with no one to cuddle. 

Iíve never quit my brooding habits. The reasons for brooding have changed, but I still enjoy dwelling in my misery when thereís no one around.

And I have plenty of reasons to keep the habit. It is just like Fred once said, my life seems like something out of Fitzgerald. Itís the irony of the man who can have everything but love.

I can have everything. Well, I could... I am immortal, I am stronger than the average, I heal faster, I have a special sense of hearing and smell. But I am cursed. If I could be true to my nature, I wouldnít care about anything in this world beyond the need to fulfill my needs of blood and lust.

But instead, I guess I am a vampire of the cuddly kind. I know the demon in me is laughing right now. Because as my species goes, I am truly pathetic. But I do have a consolation prize. Spike. The guy has a chip in his head. At least I have a gipsy curse on my shoulders. That makes it all more poetic.

And still, I canít even enjoy that the poetry in my punishment. My curse exists because I destroyed a family. And that wasnít the only family I destroyed. Thereís a price for my head because of all the families Iíve destroyed, for all the pain Iíve caused. And the curse is nothing but the fair way to punish me for all that pain I inflicted.

It wasnít you. Thatís a popular remark. Of course it was me. The demon lies within me, deep inside. And sometimes, not so deep inside. Itís not just a matter of perfect happiness what can make him come to the surface. Iíve had dark times before, and Angelus wasnít there. It is my nature. I am a vampire. I am a monster.

Of course, most of the time I struggle to keep the monster away. I dream of forgiveness and of walks under the sunlight. I dream of family and I dream of love. But I am a creature abandoned by god, afraid of the sun and the fire. All kinds of fire. Thereís a fire that would not burn my outside but itís consuming my insides. Itís the fire of love. Because I have a son, because I have friends. Because I am in love. And I know I donít deserve all of that. Because I am monster. Iíve turned my back on my family before, and maybe some day I could do it again.

Iíve been forgiven by them. Iíve been accepted once again. And once more, weíve been through difficult times. Those are the true trials of my life. Watching them in pain because they are fighting by my side. Because they chose to stand by me. Itís moments like this one when I am truly aware of what they do for me and I want to send them away. Away... where they can lead a normal life. Away from me.

You are kind, noble, caring. And yet, somehow, that doesnít seem to be enough. The world doesnít want noble. The world canít settle for kindness. It doesnít matter how much I care.

But I cared. And I still do. Because the monster is just a part of who I am, but not all of what I am. I am kind, noble, caring. And Iíve been all noble and once again, Iíve done the right thing. I got away with mine this time. Iíve sent her away, but just for couple of weeks. Iíve sent her away to a place where thereís sun and she can be all normal with that guy by her side. And that led me to sit here, on my bed, in the dark, and with no one to cuddle.


Contact AngelChase