No One To Cuddle by AngelChase

 

Summary: The vampire nature cannot be fought.

 

Spoilers: Up to Couplet (Season Three).

 

Notes: First in the Cuddle Series.

 

Distribution: Anyone can have it, just let me know where it is posted...

 


I once was told that, as vampires go, I am a member of the cuddly kind. Still, I can’t help to smile at the irony, since there are no cuddly vampires. And I am proof of that, sitting here, on my bed, in the dark and with no one to cuddle. 

I’ve never quit my brooding habits. The reasons for brooding have changed, but I still enjoy dwelling in my misery when there’s no one around.

And I have plenty of reasons to keep the habit. It is just like Fred once said, my life seems like something out of Fitzgerald. It’s the irony of the man who can have everything but love.

I can have everything. Well, I could... I am immortal, I am stronger than the average, I heal faster, I have a special sense of hearing and smell. But I am cursed. If I could be true to my nature, I wouldn’t care about anything in this world beyond the need to fulfill my needs of blood and lust.

But instead, I guess I am a vampire of the cuddly kind. I know the demon in me is laughing right now. Because as my species goes, I am truly pathetic. But I do have a consolation prize. Spike. The guy has a chip in his head. At least I have a gipsy curse on my shoulders. That makes it all more poetic.

And still, I can’t even enjoy that the poetry in my punishment. My curse exists because I destroyed a family. And that wasn’t the only family I destroyed. There’s a price for my head because of all the families I’ve destroyed, for all the pain I’ve caused. And the curse is nothing but the fair way to punish me for all that pain I inflicted.

It wasn’t you. That’s a popular remark. Of course it was me. The demon lies within me, deep inside. And sometimes, not so deep inside. It’s not just a matter of perfect happiness what can make him come to the surface. I’ve had dark times before, and Angelus wasn’t there. It is my nature. I am a vampire. I am a monster.

Of course, most of the time I struggle to keep the monster away. I dream of forgiveness and of walks under the sunlight. I dream of family and I dream of love. But I am a creature abandoned by god, afraid of the sun and the fire. All kinds of fire. There’s a fire that would not burn my outside but it’s consuming my insides. It’s the fire of love. Because I have a son, because I have friends. Because I am in love. And I know I don’t deserve all of that. Because I am monster. I’ve turned my back on my family before, and maybe some day I could do it again.

I’ve been forgiven by them. I’ve been accepted once again. And once more, we’ve been through difficult times. Those are the true trials of my life. Watching them in pain because they are fighting by my side. Because they chose to stand by me. It’s moments like this one when I am truly aware of what they do for me and I want to send them away. Away... where they can lead a normal life. Away from me.

You are kind, noble, caring. And yet, somehow, that doesn’t seem to be enough. The world doesn’t want noble. The world can’t settle for kindness. It doesn’t matter how much I care.

But I cared. And I still do. Because the monster is just a part of who I am, but not all of what I am. I am kind, noble, caring. And I’ve been all noble and once again, I’ve done the right thing. I got away with mine this time. I’ve sent her away, but just for couple of weeks. I’ve sent her away to a place where there’s sun and she can be all normal with that guy by her side. And that led me to sit here, on my bed, in the dark, and with no one to cuddle.

End.

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