Forgifan by Shan
Summary: This is a 'Cordy Returns' fic. The word forgifan is derived from the old English spelling of the word forgiven.
Spoilers: Sleep Tight, Season Three.
She hitched the heavy
leather bag higher on her shoulder and slowly pushed opened the heavy glass
door.
The familiar and well missed hotel lobby was dark, thick with silence.
Carelessly, she slid the heavier of her two bags to the floor with a dull thud.
The other, packed with carefully selected trinkets, she cradled in preparation.
The smile, the one that had been missing for so many weeks, lit her face and
chased away some of the gloom.
Her friends were waiting for her to say something, from behind the columns, the
reception desk, the furniture. Party hats, noise makers, balloons ready to make
her homecoming complete. All she had to do was say the magic words...
"Honey, I'm home!"
Her cheerful voice echoed and bounced back at her, a shade paler than before.
The vibrant smile faded as silence again overwhelmed.
"Hello?"
Nothing. Confusion flitted across her pretty features. Didn't anyone get her
message? She'd called yesterday and told them when she'd be arriving, albeit
over the answering machine. But still...
Abandoning her bag on the floor, she walked, hearing only the scuffing her
exensive new sandals made in the vast room, to the circular couch. She noticed a
fine layer of dust had formed on the potted plants, the desk surface,...the
bassinet.
Her smile completely gone, replaced with an expression of confusion and fright
as she lowered herself.
"Guys?"
------
"You fucking self-righteous bastard!" Angel shouted, spittle flying in
his rage. "You took him from me! He was my son!"
The wrapped, damaged figure in the bed silently mouthed words the other man
wouldn't listen to. Tears leaked unnoticed into the pristine white pillowcase.
His hand, hidden from the enraged man, frantically pressed a red button.
"I trusted you!" Angel's hands fisted then released. With each word he
hovered closer, forcing venom into Wesley's pained face. "You were family,
Wesley! I trusted you! We ALL trusted you"
Wesley tried desperately to tear his gaze away from his friend's anguish, fear
and pain but wasn't able by force of will alone.
It became harder just to take a breath.
"Sir! Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to leave!" A quavering female
voice finally broke Angel's visual stranglehold over Wesley.
Angel snarled at the intruder. "I'm not through with him yet."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. If you don't you will be
forced to do so." The nurse pressed a button on her pager reserved for
emergencies. Carefully, though her fear was obvious, she approached Wesley's
frantic monitor. "Sir, you're killing him with this."
The responding laugh was deadly and laden with scorn. "He's not dead
yet."
Wesley could see the rest of the threat in Angel's eyes. Everything inside him
coward in fear and drenching guilt.
A strong masculine voice boomed into the room. "Sir. You have to leave
now." Two powerful male bodies filled the small private room to capacity.
"Now, sir." The other man insisted.
"In a second." Angel leaned closer until a bruising grip on his
shoulder stopped him.
"No, sir. Now." Another pair of hands grabbed his arms.
Angel allowed himself to be pulled backwards, eyes still on Wesley's face, he
delivered a final, parting shot to the already injured man. "You have no
family now, watcher."
The door slammed shut in Angel's face and the orderlies released him. He
straightened his jacket and walked down the darkened hallway. In the background
came a commotion he found darkly satisfying.
"Code Blue! Code Blue! His heart's stopped! Crash Cart! Now!"
-----
"Gunn? Yeah, it's Angel." Silence while Gunn spoke and Angel dug for
his keys. "I'm back at the hotel. Yeah, I need you and Fred to meet me here
A-Sap." The keys jangled loosely in the open lock. He beetled his brows.
"Hey, Gunn, the lobby doors are unlocked. Were you guys just here?" He
listened to the negative response, then nodded unseen at Fred's concerned chirp
in the background urging Angel not to go inside, that it could be a trap.
Angel ignored her and opened the door. "What more do I have to lose? It's
not a trap. There's no... one..." He trailed off as he saw a shadowed
figure slowly take to it's feet.
"Cordy," he whispered. Numb fingers dropped the cell phone.
"Hi Angel."
"Cordy..." His voice stronger.
She took a step forward into a faint wash of light reflected from outside.
"Angel, what is going on here? Where is-"
Three bounds and she was wrapped tightly in his arms. Soft, light kisses rained
over her surprised face. Small, shallow breaths were all she could manage
between his firm chest and banded arms.
Shocked, it took her a moment to think. "Angel."
The kisses ceased, the arms loosened slightly at her urging, but he cradled her
close and filled his dead lungs with the scent of her hair. "Oh god, Cordy...
you're back... you're back..."
She laughed, somewhat uncomfortably. "I missed you too, Angel."
He didn't let her go, only breathed of her.
"Okay. Angel? As wonderful as this is, let go now?"
He mumbled against her hair.
"Angel. Now!"
He stiffened at her tone. Straightened his back and stepped away, arms falling
uselessly to his sides. "Um, sorry Cordy." He turned to get her
luggage, fingers raking through his tousled dark hair.
Watching him, his every movement screaming anguish, she suddenly regretted
forcing him to release her.
"Angel," she started once he set her bag out of the way. "What
happened here?"
He hesitated, unsure where to begin. Fingers returned to his hair, tousling it
even more, then he began pacing.
Cordelia sat on the couch and patted the seat next to her. Angel reluctantly
sat, perched at the edge ready to spring back into pattern.
Her hand touched his, then threaded fingers in support. She smiled at him when
he met her eyes, and he relaxed. Still hurting, still unsure where to start, but
knowing she would be there for him no matter what. He still had her.
Angel took a deep breath, squeezed her fingers and started. "Right after
you left wi... left, Holtz sent a spy to us and gave her the story of her son
being turned vamp down by the Ferris wheel. Gunn and Fred went to-"
"Didn't anyone ever tell you, Angel, it ain't polite to be talkin' 'bout
someone when they ain't around to gloat?" Gunn's distinctive voice rang
through the lobby. Followed by a surprised, "Hey Barbie!" when he saw
who Angel was talking to.
Fred jumped in front of the street fighter. "Cordy!"
Cordelia stood and opened her arms for the second hug of the night, only this
one couldn't do any physical damage. "Happy to see you too, Fred. You look
good!"
"So do you! Vacation agrees with you."
Cordelia smiled and looked at Gunn. "I suppose you want a hug too?"
"Nope. Just gifts." He grinned.
"Ahh... a man after my own heart." Cordelia turned to retrieve the
carefully stowed bag when arms wrapped around her from behind. With a feminine
shriek that had Fred giggling and Angel's lips twitching in amusement, Gunn
swung Cordelia around several times then landed her, breathlessly on her feet.
"We missed ya, Barbie."
"I missed you all too, Gunn. Okay, fun and games are over, let's get
serious." She turned up the wattage of her grin. "Present time! I had
money to spend this trip, thanks to Angel here, and I spent it well!" She
pulled small, matching, beautifully wrapped boxes from her bag. "One for
Angel. One for Gunn. One for my girl, Fred. And one- Uh, where's Wesley? Didn't
anyone call him? Go call, tell him to bring Connor, and fast!"
The room fell deathly silent again.
Angel pulled Cordelia back to the couch next to him, took her hand, but didn't
say a word, wouldn't meet her confused looks.
Gunn noticed Fred's eyes beginning to brim. So he knelt in front of Cordelia to
get her attention. "I guess it's up to me. Angel?" At Angel's nod,
Gunn sighed, not wanting this job. "Uh, Cordy girl, there's something we
need to tell you."
----- His hand, weak and trembling, reached towards the small hospital issue
table. Clumsy fingers grasped the pad of paper with the small attached pen and
drew both carefully to the bed.
A painful sigh, Wesley settled the pad against his chest. His mind focused, his
thoughts clear and in order, even if his body wasn't. He started to write.
Cordelia, Life, sometimes, takes an unusual twist and a decision must be made. I
only hope you will understand my decision and why it was chosen. When a beloved
family member is threatened, you do whatever it takes to keep them safe. When
that threat comes from another beloved family member, drastic steps must be
taken to keep them both safe, even if you must in turn sacrifice yourself. You
have been there, Cordelia. You, alone, may understand why. This started with the
discovery of another prophesy. When translated it read; 'The Father will kill
the Son'....
-----
"No... No!" Cordelia violently shook her head. "I can't believe
you are telling me this! No! Now tell me the truth, Dammit!"
Angel stood abruptly to pace again. He knew it was going to be difficult telling
her, probably the hardest thing he'd ever done. Wesley was like a brother...
Connor, a son.
"Where is he!? I want to talk to him! TELL ME WHERE HE IS!"
Gunn lowered his eyes to the floor. Fred put her hand quietly on Cordelia's
shoulder. "Wesley is at the hospital, Cordy. He was discovered by a woman
walking her dog near his apartment. His throat cut."
Cordelia's face paled. "Is he...?"
Angel stopped. "No."
"But he should be." Gunn's voice came out hard, almost as hard as it
had been when he'd first hooked up with them and had just lost his sister.
Cordelia looked at Gunn's ridged posture, then at the sad acceptance in Fred's
blue eyes, to Angel.
Angel refused to meet her gaze. He continued pacing. "He had no right. No
reason, Cordelia. He should be dead for what he did."
"No reason?" Cordelia stood and took slow steps away from the couch
"Angel, Wesley never did anything without a reason. Did you find out-"
Angel turned, his face dark with anger and confronted her. "HE TOOK CONNOR!
He took him away from me. I was supposed to stop and ask him WHY?!? CONNOR IS
GONE, Cordelia! Why was not an issue!"
She stopped, tears brimmed over, streamed down her pale face. "Now it
should be. We need to know why."
"Connor is gone. That is all that matters."
"No, not all. Wesley matters too."
"NO!" Angel shouted in her face. "Wesley no longer matters. He
TOOK CONNOR! How can you act like that doesn't matter!"
Cordelia stood her ground and stared back hard and unblinking. "Does it
look to you like he doesn't matter, Angel? Like Connor being gone isn't the most
important thing? Like a part of me isn't missing because he's not here? Look at
me!" He started to turn when she grabbed his arm. "Damn you, LOOK at
me!"
He did. Everything inside him surged to his throat as his pained soul was
reflected in her dark eyes. A wave of anguish and guilt swept over him. "Oh
god, Cordy... I'm sorry..."
Cordelia fell forward and sobbed into his chest as cool arms surrounded her. Ice
water tears dampened her neck as Angel buried his face into her hair. He
whispered, as much to comfort her as himself, "We'll get him back... we'll
get him back."
-----
She stood to the side as a white clad nurse checked bags, bandages and charts
quietly, as not to disturb the still figure in the bed.
Cordelia wasn't quite as courteous.
Once the nurse was through and gone, she approach the bed, her eyes never left
the pale figure.
Wesley felt the weight of the stare and knew the owner even before opening his
gritty eyes. Reluctantly he sighed and faced the music.
It wasn't the tune he was expecting.
Her face was hard, set and locked. Her eyes were a different story, they held
all the pain of a mother, the anguish of a sister, and the faintest glimmer of
hope as his friend.
He didn't think she was aware a person could read her every thought in those
wondrous eyes. She'd deny it unto death if she was ever told.
"Cordelia." His voice a harsh rasp of it's usual British crispness.
"Wesley." She looked purposefully at the white bandage wrapped around
his throat. "What's the verdict?"
He gestured towards the foot of the bed. Cordelia lifted the clipboard and read.
Wesley's left Carotid artery had been sliced, his trachea opened allowing
measurable amounts of blood and materials including rainwater and dirt into his
lungs. He also required large amounts of blood to replenish his system. One of
the last entries claimed his heart fluttered and stopped for a short amount of
time. She didn't understand most of the medical jargon, but understood enough to
know he went through hell and almost didn't make it.
She turned back to him and tried to be cold. "They told me you almost died.
That we'd be better off." She watched him flinch but continued,
"Because you took Connor, they want you dead. At least Angel and Gunn
do."
Wesley's eyes closed briefly and he nodded, once. Then he lifted a hand to
gesture her closer. His voice harsh and painful he asked, "What about
you?"
Cordelia shook her head. "The jury is still out on that one, Wesley."
She ignored the flare of hope in his eyes. "I want to know one thing before
I decide. Why?"
She watched, expecting him to try and talk. Instead he pulled a notebook from
beside him and pressed it into her hand. "Read," he urged.
She read. And sank into a nearby chair, her face a myriad of emotions as his
heart spoke to her on paper.
She finished, read it a second time more slowly then lifted her gaze to meet
Wesley's. She stood and took a step towards him, lips opened and closed
soundlessly as she tried to find the words.
They were left unspoken as the door opened and another nurse entered. "Oh,
excuse me. I'm sorry. I didn't realize Mr. Pryce would have company. You do know
it is after visiting hours, don't you? I'm afraid you will have to come back in
the morning, miss." She prattled on and ushered a speechless Cordelia
towards the door. "Miss, are you family?"
Cordelia, eyes filled with tears, looked at Wesley one last time before walking
out. "Yes. We're family."
-----
"Gunn? It's me. I need to talk to you."
"Oh man, Barbie, it's like 4am... can't this wait?" He sounded groggy
and exhausted.
She hesitated. "Well... I-"
"It's okay, Fred. It's just Cordy... Lay back down. No, everything's
alright. It is alright, isn't it?"
Cordelia realized he was talking to her again. "Oh. Well I guess that
depends on your definition of 'all right'. Doesn't it?"
"Ouch. Yeah, it does. Bet you wish you were back with Slug in the Caribbean
soakin' on the beach."
"That definitely had it's pluses. Home less than 24 hours..."
Gunn chucked humorlessly. "Welcome home. Speaking of Slug, where is the
ole' boy?"
"Still soaking. Okay, that's not why I called. I need to talk to you."
She paused. "About Wesley."
"Man, Barbie, you can pack a punch. And you're damn lucky Fred is here, or
I'd be ripping into you right now."
Cordelia sighed. "I know, Gunn. That's why we need to talk. Are you and
Fred up to coming over?"
There was a tussle then she heard Fred chirp and Gunn growl and she had to
smile. Gunn came back, grumbling. "Yeah, we'll be there in 15."
"Good thanks. Oh, and Gunn?"
"Yeah?"
"Slug?"
Gunn laughed, "That was Angel's idea."
-----
Cordelia turned the key in her front door as she checked the time on the wall
clock a few doors down. 3:35am. She yawned widely behind her hand and stepped
into the lightless room. These last few days of late night visits to Wesley's
bedside, going to work early in the mornings and spending the whole afternoon
and evening in front of piles of books or the computer were beginning to draw on
her reserves.
"Dennis? Lights please?"
She dropped her purse to the floor, her keys on the counter. Still shrouded in
darkness. "Where's my ghost with the most? Hummm?"
"Cordelia."
She shrieked. "Angel! God!" The lights flicked and revealed that he
stood only a few steps in front of her.
Her jacket slipped from her shoulder, removed by unseen hands. Quietly she
whispered, "Thanks Dennis. You'll pay for this later." Forcing a
bright smile she turned to Angel. "Hi there. It's kinda late, Angel."
"I know."
She tried desperatly to avoid this conversation. She wasn't ready. "I'd
really like to go to bed... unless you are giving me tomorrow off."
"No."
"Okay then. Goodnight!" She made to step past him but his arm shot
out, barring her path. "What is it Angel?"
"We need to talk."
"Alright. We need to talk." She sighed and relented. "Care to
start?"
Angel pulled back and walked into her living room. Lights blared. "Care to
explain that?"
She looked at the hospital bed she'd had delivered that morning. It was set
right in front of the television, with a small table close by.
She saw no point in making excuses. He already the answer. "Wesley is being
released tomorrow. He's coming to stay here."
Angel just stood and stared at the arrangement. "Why?"
"The Doctor said he needed rest and someone to watch over him for a few
days. I volunteered."
"What if I say no."
Cordelia planted both of her hands on her hips. "I'd say it's my damn
apartment, and not your place to say yes or no."
Angel nodded, sadly and lowered his gaze to the floor. "What's what I
figured." Slowly he turned to face her. "Cordy, I know you have to
make your own decision about this, but I wish you'd reconsider letting him stay
here."
"I won't, Angel. I can't."
His hands lifted to rest on her shoulders as he moved closer. "Do you
understand why this scares me, Cordy? Why his being here with you terrifies me?
I can't lose you too, Cordy."
Her own hands landed lightly on top of his. "You won't, Angel. It's only
Wesley."
His fingers tightened, his eyes hardened and flashed dangerously. "Only
Wesley. Only the man who took my son. Who betrayed his family. Who could take
everything I love away from me. It's only Wesley." He released her and
stalked through the living room, fingers plunging through his hair. "Dammit,
Cordelia! I DON'T TRUST HIM!"
"I do."
That stopped him cold. And he turned, very slowly, to look her straight in the
eyes and test the truth behind her declaration. "Why?"
"Because what he did, he did out of love."
"Love." Angel spat out the word. "It was love that caused him to
lie to us all. Love that made him conspire with Holtz. Love that drove him to
take Connor and run."
"Yes! It was love that caused him to hide the prophesy and spend every
conscious minute searching for a way to stop it. It was love that made him face
Holtz and risk his own life luring him away from Connor. It was love that drove
him to take Connor away, make sure he was safe, and that you were safe as
well!" Cordelia huffed out a breath. When Angel remained silent, she
continued. "Angel, what do you think would have happened if he'd told you
about the prophesy? Would you have even believed it? Probably not. Even though
the signs were there you would have never believed you could kill your own
child. Gunn wouldn't have believed it either. I wasn't there. Wesley did what he
thought was best."
"And you bought all of this."
Cordelia growled and walked back into the kitchen for her purse. Angel followed
then stopped, surprised as she shoved a folded paper into his hands.
"Read," she ordered, arms crossed not allowing for refusal.
So he read.
Cordelia, Life sometimes takes an unusual twist and a decision must be made. I
only hope you will understand my decision and why it was chosen. When a beloved
family member is threatened, you do whatever it takes to keep them safe. When
that threat comes from another beloved family member, drastic steps must be
taken to keep them both safe, even if you must in turn sacrifice yourself. You
have been there, Cordelia. You, alone, may understand why. My path started with
the discovery of another prophesy. When translated it read; 'The Father will
kill the Son'. Understandably, Angel especially could not know about this. In
hindsight I realize my foolishness in hiding this knowledge. I took great pains
to learn more about the prophesy, and even greater pains to keep it a secret.
Unfortunately us all I wasn't alone in my knowledge. Holtz had also learned, and
somehow so had Wolfram and Hart. By now, I am sure Angel has filled you in on
what transpired. But here is where I can explain my part to you, in hopes you
will keep your beautiful mind and even more beautiful heart open to my side. In
my desperation to stop this prophesy I searched for the Loa, a demon-god, for
answers. Through it my fears were confirmed, that the father would kill the son
was inevitable. I could only follow the signs; Earthquake, fire and blood.
Almost immediately the signs were appearing before me. But, I was not the only
one who saw them. Holtz made numerous attempts to persuade me to bring Connor to
him. I purposefully lead them to believe I would, only to buy more time and
freedom to complete my plan. To keep both Angel and Connor safe I was going to
take Connor to England, to be in the safe keeping of the Watcher's Council,
Giles in particular. If you call him, you can confirm. Two airline tickets were
in my luggage, along with falsified paperwork for Connor and myself. The plan
was to get Connor to safety and contact Angel with the information he needed,
secure Connor, then return to aid in the fight against Holtz and the prophesy.
Angel was not to know where Connor was located, only that he was safe, they both
were. Unbeknownst to me, Justine, Holtz's assistant, discovered enough of my
plans to lure me into a trap. She is who took Connor. She is who slit my throat.
However, I am entirely to blame. As of the moment I write this, I do know Connor
is gone and that Holtz took him. I suppose that is all that is needed to be
known. Thank you, Cordelia. Thank you for having enough faith in me to take this
letter and read it. God knows I don't deserve your faith, your compassion, or
your understanding. Connor is as much your son as anyone's, and I took him from
you. You and Angel. My payment will never be complete. A part of me lies in
hopes that one day you will be able to forgive.
Wesley
Angel gently refolded the paper. His voice calmer than he had been he asked,
"You believe him." There was no question.
Cordelia nodded. "Yes, Angel. Completely. I even confirmed with Giles who'd
had no idea about what had happened. All he knew was that Wesley wasn't there to
meet him at the airport."
"Gunn? Fred? They've accepted this explanation as well?"
She took the letter before it was destroyed in his clenched fists. "Yes.
They read the letter and once they both spoke to him they are willing to believe
his side."
"Lorne?"
She set the letter aside and took both of his cold hands in hers. "Lorne
too." She could feel him relenting.
His eyes lifted, washed in tears and uncertainty. "I don't know if I can,
Cordy. He took Connor."
"Yes, he did." Gently she touched his cheek as a single solitary tear
escaped. She felt her own throat close in response, her vision blurred.
"And he wants to fix that by whatever means are needed."
He pulled her into his arms, breath rushing through his chest in sobs. "He
took Connor. He took my son, Cordy. I can't forget that. No matter what happens,
he took Connor."
She wrapped tight arms around him, seeking to comfort them both. "We're not
meant to forget. Only to forgive."
Angel kissed the top of her head. "I'll try."
End.
Contact Shan