Everything She Wants by MissKitieFantastico
Summary: She has everything she wants… doesn't she?
Spoilers: Up to Benediction, Season Three.
Notes: This is the first time I've written since my Muse left me. I hope it doesn't suck too bad, it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing I jotted down at work. Be mindful though, I'm the Queen of Vague. If you don't understand it, I'm sorry. I have a problem with writing things that *aren't* obscure.
Dedication: To Lovin' Lorne. Why? Because she's awesome, and I always get all blush-y when she tells me how much my writing doesn't suck.
had slept alone for so long that when he came back into her life, and eventually into her bed, she wasn't sure what
She felt naïve and young for the first time in… ever.
She'd had men in her bed before, not many, even though that's contrary to what everyone thought, but this was… different. Those other men had made her feel physical ecstasy, and some had taken her body places she'd never been. But he… he made her feel something else. No, he didn't make her feel. He awakened something in her.
Deep inside. Somewhere she didn't even know existed.
It stirred, and called to her, but she didn't understand it. Too lost in what he was doing to her body, too blinded by his hands, his mouth, his perfectly perfect everything… Just when she thought she'd die with the sensations building and pulsing in her body, the world would explode behind her eyes, only to melt away into oblivion. He'd lower himself next to her, completely spent, their bodies shaken to the core, trembling still with the passion flowing freely through their veins.
Her body would be numb then, unable to move or speak, but she could still feel it, every time she was with him it would grow stronger, more persistent, keeping her up at night after they made love.
It confused her. That feeling inside her, somewhere.
Something she couldn't pinpoint, all she knew was when she was lying with him, she could feel it growing stronger. She could feel it, worming its way through every inch of her body, until finally one night she felt it circling itself around her heart. If she concentrated hard enough, she could even feel it squeezing ever so slightly.
Trying to tell her something in a language she didn't understand.
On the brink of sleep he would turn to her, their bodies still slick with sweat, and he would cradle her body protectively to his, murmuring all those things that made her heart swell. She could feel the weight of his words tugging at the strings of that unidentifiable feeling, and she'd smile at him softly before his eyelids slid shut for the final time, taking him somewhere she couldn't follow…
So she'd watch him, and think.
Silently, she'd adjust her body, propping herself up on an elbow, and gaze down at him, something indefinable, but serene, in her eyes.
Just being with him calmed her mind, slowing the crazy spiral of thoughts in her head, but still that something slithered deep inside her.
Tanned, delicate fingers would trail their way across his hairline, gently teasing the soft brown hair with her faint touch. Every night she would follow the same path with her fingers, memorizing every inch of his beautiful face, committing every inch of it to memory, so she'd always have it with her. Down the side of his face, she'd shiver slightly with the feel of his skin, soft like the finest imported silks. Her nimble fingers would wander over his brow, and she'd close her eyes, picturing it in her head, and she'd smile in spite of herself… and finally, when she opened her eyes, she'd delicately run her fingers over his lips.
Even before, when she really didn't know him, she'd fantasized about those lips… Keeping that memory behind her eyes, slowly she'd lower her face, and gently lay a feather-soft kiss on his lips. She'd stay that way, barely touching his skin with hers, until she could feel his lips slowly stretch into a small, sleepy smile.
She'd feel content then, and lay her head on his bare chest. The image of him inside her made the feeling lessen, and she felt sleepy then, ready to follow him wherever it was that he had gone in his dreams. She could finally close her eyes, and feel her mind drifting from her body, nearing the gates of sleep she'd longed to reach… but as she stepped through into the tranquility of nothingness, something would push her, and pull her, until she returned to her body.
On other nights, her eyes would fly open, startled awake, but not that night. She could never understand what it was that disrupted her, yanking her from a place she longed to be. Then finally, she stayed silent and still after waking, eyes closed lightly… and she heard it.
The feeling she'd had for months was starting to become clear. She was learning its language, and it scared her. She didn't want to know what it had to say.
Now it wasn't just a feeling deep inside her body, pulling at her heart in a silent attempt to be heard. Now she could hear it, now it spoke to her.
That feeling told her something wasn't right. But everything *was* right. She had everything she wanted. Everything she'd ever dreamed of. Everything she *needed*. So what could possibly be wrong?
Holding her breath, every muscle in her body was as still as stone.
That sound… What was that sound?
She struggled harder to hear it, but the more she struggled, the further away it was.
So she waited, trying to understand what her body was telling her. Trying to piece together a puzzle with no sides, no boundaries, no shape, no guide.
She knew that sound. She *definitely* knew that sound.
Her brow came together in confusion, a knot tightening itself in her stomach, slightly disturbed with this revelation. How could it be wrong? How could something so beautiful sound so wrong?
Thump-thump … thump-thump
It was his heartbeat.