Back Where She Belongs by Christy Baird
Summary: Cordelia comes home after her tryst with You Know Who to a world of hurt.
Spoilers: Sleep Tight, Season Three.
Notes: To Tonya for writing something in the official discussion thread for Sleep Tight on ST that made me think of this fic.
(Part 1)
"She should have been back by now." Said Fred, gently.
From his place on the floor in the lobby of the Hyperion, Gunn shook his head,
"I hope she doesn't come back."
"CHARLES!" The indignant voice echoed through the quiet lobby, giving
weight to the fact that it was silent. No baby babbles, no cooing over Angel's
child, no laughter, nothing. The air was tinged with a sense of loss, a sense of
mourning for a child that was as good as dead to them.
Gunn, looking up at Fred, sighed, "I didn't mean I don't want her to come
back but... Look what she's gotta come back TO. Wesley's critical in hospital,
Connor's gone, Angel's... I don't know what Angel is, he's shut us out.
He won't let us back in again... Maybe it's best that she stays where she
belongs... In the sunlight."
Fred's face turned pensive and she sighed, "Cordelia belongs in the
sunlight, whereas we belong in the caves? I used to think so... I used to think
that maybe I did belong in the darkness, but Angel helped me... Cordelia...
You... Wesley. Cordelia's the sunlight to our darkness... Maybe her coming back
is what we need."
"Maybe," Said Gunn quietly, "I just don't want to break the news
to her when she comes back. She's had a great time and we drop this on
her?" Gunn sighed, "Barbie's gotta come back to a world of hurt and I
don't wanna be the one to tell her."
"There's only us though." Said Fred, "Angel won't leave the
room... Wesley's..." Her voice tailed off and she sighed, picking up the
phone again and dialling Cordelia's number, "Hi, this is Cordelia Chase.
I'm not here right now, if you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you
as soon as possible... Dennis, put the... BEEP."
The message was cut off and Fred couldn't help but smile at the warmth in
Cordelia's voice, "Cordelia, it's Fred. Again. If you get this could you
give me a call. I guess you know where I am." She said softly.
Turning back round, she looked at Gunn and sighed, "Ain't no sunshine when
she's gone..." She whispered.
_____________________________
She hadn't wanted for anything in her life, not really. Her parents were rich,
she always had the nicest clothes and cars and now she had the nicest friends,
the nicest family. But, right now? Cordelia found herself wanting. She found
herself wanting the simplicity of a conversation that didn't start with
Princess.
And she found herself wanting the extremely sucky vision pain back. Skip
had been right. The vision hangovers were like a walk in the park compared to
this kind of pain. In Catalina, she'd screamed herself hoarse for a solid two
days. Groo had kept his vigil at her bedside but in her feverish state, it was
someone elses name she yelled.
Groo knew the reason, the reason why her heart remained locked away and in that
moment, he made a decision. He wouldn't let his Princess settle for anything
less than what she deserved. And what she deserved was the person she loved, not
second best. Not him. She deserved the one her heart desired. It cut him up to
see her in so much pain. She'd taken the prophylactic, with the intent of...
Well, as his beautiful Princess would say, 'getting groiny with him' but... On
the night they'd arrived she'd admitted that still, she wasn't ready.
And Groo had waited patiently, he'd waited a year, he'd wait another one if he
had to - until finally he'd admitted it. Over the past three days she hadn't
been well. The first, attacks of nausea - the second and third, pain like he'd
never seen before, like she'd screamed she'd never felt before. This had
worried him, greatly. He'd offered to call Angel, Cordelia had refused. He'd
suggested a Doctor, she'd refused. Just asked him to stay.
Today, they'd flown back to Los Angeles, were now sitting in a yellow car,
listening to a man with a strange accent sing a song Groo had never heard
before. "How do you feel, Princess?"
"Peachy." She whispered, "Just peachy. Hey," Leaning
forward, the brunette knocked on the window of the cab, "Can you take us to
the Hyperion Hotel?"
When she settled back into her seat, Cordelia managed a smile to Groo,
"Wesley can help..."
_____________________________
He'd expected a tan. A smile... Was a smile too much to ask? Turned out when
Cordelia and the Groosalug got to the hotel, a smile and a tan were too much to
ask. Instead, there were bags under red, puffy eyes.
"Cord?" Gunn stepped round the counter and looked up at her. She was
practically being held up by Groo. "You alright?"
"Do I look alright?" She snapped and then sighed, "Look, I'm
sorry, I just got this crappy transitiony demony type crap and I need to speak
to Wes about it. Where is he?"
Gunn put his head down, shuffling on his feet. How was he supposed to tell her?
What was he supposed to say? Cordy, Wes kidnapped the kid you look on as a son
and handed him to Angel's worst enemy? Sure... Why not, hurt her more than she
already HAD been.
Cordelia, instantly alert, looked at him, "Gunn? What's going on? Where's
Wesley?" It was then that she noticed. No sounds in the hotel, no baby
babbling... No Fred giggling... No turn of a page. Nothing.
"Where is everyone?"
Gunn sighed, "Listen, Cordy, I..."
"Charles, are we ready to go to the hospita - Cordelia!"
"Fred, what's wrong? Who's in the hospital?"
Fred was horrified, "Oh... I... It..." Sighing, she looked down,
"It happened while you were away... It... Uhm..."
"What happened?"
Silence
"WHAT HAPPENED?"
(Part 2)
"I should have been here." Said Cordelia, quietly, her eyes blurred
with tears. Groo had managed to get her down the steps and onto the couch where
she sat, huddled over, staring blankly at the wall. "Maybe if I'd been
here... Wesley could have told me or... Angel would have..."
"You couldn't have done anything, Princess." Said Groo, reassuringly.
"You can't know that." She whispered, "If I'd been here I could
have stopped this whole thing and it would never have happened."
"Cordelia, Groo has a point." Fred spoke up from where she stood,
Gunn's arm wrapped around her shoulder, "All of this happened without us
knowing it was going on, you're not super-human, you can't know
everything."
"But I... But I'm Vision Girl. Why wouldn't the Powers show me something
like this? Why wouldn't they let us stop this?"
"Perhaps this was the Higher Powers stepping in," Offered Groo.
"Perhaps this was their way of stopping the danger from coming, their part
in doing what's right."
"By taking away my Son, tell me, how is that right?" She asked,
painfully - her dark eyes angry. "They've split us apart in the worst way
they knew how to do it. Betrayal hurts," She said quietly, "But this
is... This is..."
Groo stood down from his opinion, acquiescing with a nod, "It's not right,
but we'll fix it."
Cordelia looked at Gunn and Fred, "Where's Angel?"
"Same place he's been since last week." Said Gunn, quietly, "Just
sitting there. He won't come out, won't talk to us."
"We've taken him blood," Said Fred softly, "He just won't drink
it."
Cordelia got up from the chair, aided by Groo, "Stay here." She said,
nodding to her friends.
"Princess, you are weak, you shouldn't..."
"I'll be fine." She said simply. "Stay here."
Gunn, Fred and Groo watched as Cordelia walked painstakingly up the stairs.
"The Demon transition phase that Cordelia talked about, what was it?"
Asked Fred, "Is that why she couldn't come home?"
"They wouldn't let her fly." Said Groo, "They said she was a
danger to herself and other passengers. They wanted to put her in a... I believe
the Princess called it a Nut House?"
Fred sighed and looked at Gunn, "Why do the bad things all come at
once?"
"It was the way of the Pylean world," Observed Groo, "It seems
things do not change inter-dimensionally."
"That they don't." Said Gunn, watching as Cordelia disappeared around
the corner, "That they don't.
_______________________
Before she got to Angel's bedroom, Cordelia leaned against the wall,
breathlessly. It was hard, walking. Even harder trying to gauge what Angel's
reaction would be, seeing her. Would he be mad? She hadn't been here. He'd have
every right. Would he cry? Probably not, this was Angel.
Would he even notice she was there?
She stepped into the room. The heavy curtains were drawn across the windows, a
flicker of sunlight trickling through and onto Angel.
"Angel!" Yelled the brunette, rushing to shut the curtains fully and
turning back towards him, clutching at her side painfully, "What the hell
were you doing?"
Nothing.
The anger abated as Cordelia looked at him. For the first time in his life, or
at least since Cordelia had known him, he looked every year of his existence.
Each of the 245 years he'd been undead had settled into his eyes, into his
heart. He looked empty, hollow inside - like someone had sucked the life right
out of him. He'd never looked like that. She'd never smelt death before... Not
like now. He was a walking embodiment of what he truly was. Death in a nice
outer shell. Only the shell was broken, as was the soul inside.
"Angel?" Tentatively, the brunette stepped closer to him. He hadn't
blinked, even when the burning sensation had left his arm. It was then, she
noticed... The thing he clutched in his arms. Wrapped in a blanket. It wasn't a
baby, she knew that... A toy. Angel had stopped rocking it when the sunlight had
gone. He'd felt something. True, it was pain, but that was what he was supposed
to feel. Holtz had seen to that. But it was something, at least. It was
gone again.
"Angel, talk to me, please?" Begged the Seer, standing in front of
him.
Nothing.
Cordelia went to kneel in front of him, to touch his arm. He didn't flinch,
didn't blink - didn't move. He was looking right through her, to the crib, to
the last place he'd seen his son. The place where he'd handed him to his best
friend and asked him to take care of his son. He was vaguely aware of a
voice, but didn't show it.
"I'm trying," She whispered, "I'm trying not to break down, I'm
trying to be strong but I can't do this without you, Angel. Come back to me,
please?"
Nothing.
"Angel, we have to do something. We can't just sit here. You need to snap
out of it!" She yelled.
Nothing.
Reaching up, she touched his face, "Where are you?" She whispered.
"Are you with him?"
Nothing.
"Are you mad at me? God, Angel, I should have been here. Why didn't you
call or... Try and get in contact with me?"
Nothing.
Cordelia looked at him. His eyes had never seemed so empty. Not when Buffy had
died, not even during his beige period. If she hadn't known what he was then,
then she really didn't know what he was now. Or at least, where he was...
"Ssshhhh... Everything's going to be okay."
Cordelia's head snapped up, she'd gotten through to him.
"Daddy'll look after you. I'll never let anything hurt you."
He wasn't talking to her. He was talking to Connor... To his son.
"Angel, why was the curtain open?" She whispered, "Do you... Do
you want to leave us? Is that it?" She asked, watching his eyes. Still
empty. Cold, so cold. "Angel, you can't leave us. We need you,
Angel. I need you. I've never needed anything, but I need you. I need you
to come back to me so we can find our son... Angel, please... I can't do this by
myself."
He's my redemption. Thought Angel, looking down at a toy. He's
everything that's good about my life, my son, my friends. I might never Shanshu,
but I have my son. I have my friends, my family. It's all I'll ever need.
"Can you hear me?"
A brief breeze lifted the curtains, catching Angel's rigid gaze, "I should
shut that."
"Angel?"
"Don't want Connor to get chesty."
The tears she'd been holding back, slid down her cheeks, "Angel, he's not
HERE. He's GONE!" She said desperately, "And unless you snap out of it
we're never going to get him back!"
Open windows and empty hallways
A pale lit moon in a sky streaked with grey
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it's gonna rain today
In a place where there were no seasons. It didn't rain. Not too often anyway.
But as the tears poured from Cordelia's eyes, the skies opened and the sun
disappeared. Why? She wasn't sure. It didn't matter anyway. Rain wouldn't bring
Connor back. Nor would tears. As the Seer rested her head on his knee, she
cried. And after a second, soft, gentle fingers were stroking her cheek. She
didn't speak, but she heard his words. "Daddy'll take care of you, I
promise. I'll never let anything hurt you."
Scarecrows dressed in the latest styles
A frozen smile to chase love away
Human kindness is over flowing
And I think it's gonna rain today
When she looked up, he had a soft, serene smile frozen on his face. "Angel,
please... Just let me in. Please?" She begged.
Bright before me, the signs implore me
Help the needy and show them the way
Human kindness is overflowing
And I think it's gonna rain today
Those words, he heard. Let her in? How could he? He'd let Connor into his heart,
had believed that finally, he'd gotten somewhere. Like... If the Powers had
blessed him with a son, then he couldn't be all that bad. Cordelia was like
sunshine to his darkness, sunshine he didn't want. In sunshine, he'd burn. With
her, he'd burn. It wasn't her, he knew that. It was him. He was a vampire, in
sunshine, he'd burn.
With her light he'd learn to accept something he couldn't. He'd learn to accept
that he deserved love, deserved friendship. He'd been accepting it - and he'd
lost his son. He'd been accepting it and he'd done what was right, he'd sent
Cordelia away with Groo - and in doing so, not only had he killed himself, but
he'd killed her too. He'd killed everything she'd known. Family, friendship,
everything.
Forgive me, Cordelia. He thought, looking down on her, crying. Forgive
me for taking what you knew and killing it. Everything I touch, dies. I won't
let that happen to you. I can't.
"Angel. Please? I need you."
I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
It may sound absurd
But don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed
But won't you conceive
Even heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy
After a while of just lying there, her head on his knee, the tears dried into
her cheeks. Cordelia pulled back from him. Watching him for a second, she
sighed, then reached up, "It'll be okay," She whispered, "It'll
be okay." With that, she kissed him. Cupped his face in her hands and
pressed her lips gently down on his. In her creepy-alternate world, it had made
everything better.
It only served here to make one solitary tear track down his cheek.
He realised how far he'd come. How far they had come. And how much they'd
lost.
Pulling back, she watched his eyes. Still blank, there wasn't a spark of
recognition in them. Sighing, her hands left his cheeks and she sighed, walking
away from him and to the door, finally admitting defeat. Faltering at the door,
Cordelia turned and looked back at him, "Angel, I don't know if you can
hear me. I don't know if I'm getting through or... I'll get him back, I promise,
Angel."
Angel closed weary eyes and listened as her hushed voice drifted towards him,
"I love you, Angel. Please, don't leave me."
He never moved.
Slowly, Cordelia made her way back down the stairs to where her friends were,
clutching her side.
"Cordelia?"
Fred truly believed that if someone could get through to Angel, it was Cordelia.
She was his sunlight. Fred may be a little crazy, or at least a little off the
cosmological map, but she wasn't stupid. Kye-rumption. She knew it when she saw
it. And she'd seen it with Angel and Cordelia.
Slowly, the Seer shook her head, sadly. "He didn't even know I was
there." She said quietly. "I don't even think *he* was there."
Fred crossed the room and did the thing she'd been wanting to do since the
start. She grabbed Cordelia and pulled her closer for her a hug. "I'm
sorry." She whispered, "I'm sorry we couldn't stop this..."
Cordelia closed her eyes and shook her head, "Fred, it wasn't your fault
and we will get Connor back. Have I ever lied to you before?"
Fred smiled, thumbed away the tears that had slid down her cheeks, "Nope,
you've never lied to me."
Groo stepped forward, "Princess, I'll do everything within my power to
help."
"Well, y'are a Champion." Said Fred, nodding.
"In my world, perhaps. But in this one, the true Champion is
upstairs." Said Groo.
Cordelia smiled at him, before turning back to her friends. "I want to go
see Wesley."
"Cordy, he's not awake." Said Gunn, shaking his head, "And I'm
thinkin'..."
"I want to see Wesley." Said Cordelia, firmly. "Now. And
if you don't take me, I'll damned well go myself."
"Maybe I should stay with Angel." Said Fred, gently, "If he comes
downstairs or..."
"I don't think he will." Said Cordelia, softly. "But you can
stay, if you want..." She understood that Fred wanted to stay in case some
news of Connor turned up. "Be careful though. And if Angel gets..."
"I know." Said Fred, "Knock him out if I feel the slightest bit
threatened."
Groo glanced up, "I shall stay here, in case Angel appears. Is there
anything else you require of me, Princess?"
Cordelia shook her head, "No. Just... Be careful, okay?"
Gunn kissed Fred lightly and said the same to her, before guiding Cordelia up
the steps to his truck. "Are you sure you're ready for this, Cordelia? I
mean..."
"I'm ready." Said Cordelia softly.
Gunn nodded, watching her closely for a second, "Cordy, how bad was it? And
don't lie to me, we've had enough of that round here lately."
"How bad was what?"
"You know what I'm talking about." He said softly.
"The demon transition thing?"
Gunn nodded again, "Yeah."
"Bad. They wouldn't let me come home, a danger to other passengers, they
said." She said gently, "But I made my choice, I'll live with
it."
Gunn sighed, "That's what I'm worried about."
"What?"
"Wes." Said Gunn quietly, "Not being able to live with his
choice."
(Part 3)
"I can't believe how fast it changed." Said Cordelia, quietly. She
watched as the city lights sped by, shrouded by the downpour that had started
with Cordelia's tears, her hands twisting nervously in her lap as pain coursed
through her body. Unbelievably, this was one of her 'better' days. A day when
she wasn't screaming... "I mean, one minute, we're all happy and the
next... We've done the
whole 'Wes laying critical in hospital and losing Angel' thing - it's getting old."
Gunn sighed, "Tell me about it... Wes and I were friends, right? Did the
whole Fred thing really split us apart that much? He couldn't even come to me
when he needed someone..."
"I wasn't even here..." Whispered Cordelia, "I was off on the
holiday of a lifetime with..."
"You deserved a break, Cordy." Said Gunn, gently.
"And what about Angel? Or Wesley? When do they get a break?"
Gunn sighed and glanced up at the building before them, "We're here."
"You said that already." She whispered. "Remember? When we came
to visit Wes last time?"
"Cordy..."
"I know. Okay? I know. This isn't the last time. This isn't the time where
something's going to just happen and make everything alright again. Nothing we do can
make this better and this time..." Her voice tapered off, making Gunn
glance up at his friend, worriedly. She'd seen better days, that much was
obvious. Her eyes were red and puffy, they'd been like that since she'd come
home. But now... There was a pain behind her eyes that he hadn't seen in a
while, not since the visions, anyway.
"Are you okay?"
Cordelia smiled, "I will be. Look, I need to see Wesley and Angel's not...
I don't want to leave him on his own again."
Together, they walked up to Wes' room, not saying anything, observing the
silence they'd each known was needed to process their thoughts. This was Wesley,
lying in a hospital bed... Again. He'd made a choice. He could
die. Did he deserve it?
"Cordy, you get that... You get that I'm not sure where I stand on this
one?" He asked, "This is Wes. And sure, he's one of my friends but...
He took Angel's SON... And if Connor were mine then I'm pretty sure I'd want him
dead." He said quietly, "But then... There's the flip side of the
coin. Angel and I... We may never get on and maybe I think that for Wesley to do
this kind of thing? It had to be some pretty scary stuff we were messed up in. I
guess the man himself was right when he said the pull of divided loyalties was
never easy. He had to choose. He made a choice. Now we all gotta live with it
the best way we can."
"Y'know?" Said Cordelia softly, "Sometimes you even surprise me with how sensible you can be. I'm glad that you're not
just seeing this from Wesley's point of view. I'm glad that you're not just
seeing it from Angel's..."
"Which point are you seeing it from?"
"The middle." Said the Seer, "I'm seeing it from the middle
because someone has to. Someone has to bring the group back together..."
"And who better to do it than the heart?" Asked Gunn, gently.
"It's not going to be easy, there's a world of hurt to work through from
all directions. Why Wes couldn't come to us, why he did what he did, why I
wasn't here," Knowing he'd protest, she held up a hand to stop him,
"No, listen. We've all got room for regret. But we'll bounce back, we
always do. We have to.
United we stand, Charles." She whispered softly, "Divided we fall. We
got separated. One by one, we'll start returning and then we'll get Connor
back."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I'm not," Said Cordelia, "I'm just afraid that walking into this
with anything less than as much confidence I sound like I have will get us nowhere. Everything's been
stripped away, Gunn. I have to have something left to believe in."
"Makes sense."
"Duh," She said with a small smile. Then, she pushed open the door to
Wesley's room, stepping closer to the bed. Gunn heard her breath quicken,
watched her clutch at her side then wince.
"Cor - "
"I'm okay." Gently, Cordelia picked up Wesley's hand in hers. "Y'do
know you've gotta pull through this, right Wesley?" She asked, "I
mean, you're the brains of our group... How can we do without the brains?"
Tears slid down her cheeks and she sighed, "I'll never know why. I'll never
know what you were feeling or what was going through your mind, but I do know
you, Wesley Wyndham-Pryce and you're a good, decent person. Whatever happens, we can get through
it." Leaning forward, Cordelia gently kissed his forehead, before sitting
down on a chair next to his bed, still squeezing his hand.
* * * * *
~Two Hours Later~
The first thing she felt was a twinge, and at first, Cordelia winced, thinking
the transitiony-demon crap was starting up again. But when she looked down, her
friend was blinking, disoriented. "Wesley?" She whispered, getting up
immediately.
He clawed at the oxygen mask over his mouth and met her eyes, "T-t..."
"You shouldn't talk." Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "Wesley,
it's okay..."
Wesley wheezed and coughed, choking out a sob of pain.
"Don't, please don't..." She whispered, "Write it down." He
didn't deserve this. He truly didn't and she couldn't abide standing by and
watching it.
Gunn stepped forward, "Wes, just... Don't talk, okay?"
"I... I'm so-sorry..." He rasped, wincing as the back of his throat
burned. Cordelia and Gunn both watched as the Watcher slipped into
unconsciousness again.
<< BEEP >>
Both Gunn and Cordelia jumped from their vigil next to Wesley's bed as Gunn's
pager resounded through the room. "What?" Said Cordelia, watching as
dread suffused Gunn's face.
"A 911... From the Hotel." Said Gunn, jumping from his seat and going
to the nearest phone.
"C'mon, c'mon, pick up..." He murmured, relief flooding him, albeit
briefly, when a shaky Fred's voice spoke up, "Charles? It's Angel... He
escaped..." She said tentatively, "Groo tried to stop him but... He
was too mad, he just tossed him across the room like a rag doll... He took a
couple of weapons, uhm... I don't know what. Wesley would..."
Gunn frowned, "I'll call back, be careful, okay?"
"It's Angel." Said Cordelia, from standing behind him, "It's
okay, he can't have got too far, we've still got a couple of hours until
sunset..."
"I'll go, you stay here with Wes..." Said Gunn, hanging up the phone.
"But... Gunn, it's sunny outside. It's not like he's..."
"Cordelia." Gunn pointed to a window, the sky was streaked with grey,
no sunlight at all.
"Find Angel..." She said, solemnly, "Take him back to the
hotel..."
Gunn nodded and ran down the hall, while Cordelia went back to Wesley's room.
It was the blue that caught his eye.
Forgive me.
The blue blanket...
I dropped the baby.
Wrapped around a toy...
I hurt my child.
Gunn was too far away. The toy, wrapped up in the babies blanket, was
Connor's... And Gunn ran.
Alonna
Who knew what was going through Angel's mind right now?
I'll save you, you're my sister.
Who he could hurt?
I'll never let anything hurt you.
Cordelia watched, stunned, from the floor, her eyes wide, her head dripping
blood onto the tiled floor of the hospital where Angel had knocked her across
the room. "Angel, NO!" She cried.
Perhaps it was lucky, as Angel squeezed the life from Wesley, that he believed
it was Holtz...
I avenge with the hand that killed my child. My own.
Perhaps it was luckier because... If he knew who it truly was... It might have
been a lot more painful...
A man possessed, not by rage, but a demon... The demon
that killed his child.
Just as his friend was about to take his last breath, Angel saw red.
Blood...
Not just anyone's blood...
Cordelia's...
And it was then, that Angel saw. Angel saw the toy in Gunn's hand... The
blanket...
Confused, he turned to Wesley... Saw his best friend lying there... Just lying
there...
He turned to Cordelia, who'd stumbled to her feet, her hand wet against the
blood on her head...
Angel fell to his knees.
I avenge with the hand that killed my child... My
own...
Thoughts of a crazed demon? Perhaps.
I avenge with the hand that killed my child... My
own...
Thoughts of a crazed demon? Perhaps not.
I avenge with the hand that killed my child... My
own...
Thoughts of a man, betrayed by another... Thoughts of a man without a son.
Thoughts of a man without a sliver of hope...
I avenge with the hand that killed my child... My
own...
"I killed my child..." Whispered Angel, brokenly. "I killed my
son."
Part 4
"You're hurt." Whispered Angel numbly as he watched Cordelia clutch at
her side.
"I'm not. I'm... Fine. I just..."
"Was it me? Did I do... That to you?"
Cordelia shook her head, "No, Angel. You didn't. It's... Not you, it's
something else."
"The demon in you," Intoned the vampire, "It's coming
through."
His voice was tinged with a sense of numbness, one Cordelia wished wasn't there.
He not only thought he'd hurt her but... He thought he'd killed Wesley, and what
scared Cordelia the most was that he hadn't felt remorse in doing it. "I
understand why," Said Angel, "I understand why he thought he had to
protect Connor but... Why did he take my son?"
It was a question that Cordelia might never be able to answer. What should she
say? It was for the best... Because he had to? Sighing, she shook her head,
"I don't understand either, but I do understand that Wesley wouldn't act
rashly for no reason at all, he..." Cordelia stopped when she noticed him
clutching something in his hand, "Angel?"
His hand fell slowly open and she sighed. "I bought it because... If
ever... If ever I wasn't here, it would keep you safe. I know it's lame."
She whispered, "I just thought that..."
"It's nice." In his hand, he held a tiny Angel - a pin bought for him
by Cordelia, he understood why she'd bought it and the gesture was nice but...
"I'm sorry." She said quietly, "I'm so sorry you had to go
through this."
"We. We all have to. Like it or not, we're in this together."
"Wh-what about... What about..."
Angel's eyes darkened, "I don't want him here. I don't want him anywhere
near. He took my son away and for that.. He'll pay."
Her gaze drifted to the crib in the middle of the room, empty. They'd left the
hospital a while ago, Wesley would be okay. Gunn had stayed behind with him,
Fred and Groo were downstairs. "Angel, we'll get him back." She said
softly, "We'll..."
"No." Said Angel, shaking his head, "Connor's gone. We need to...
We need to just... Start picking up the pieces. It's what happens, Cordelia, in
this lifetime, in 250 years of life, all I've done is lose. I watched as Angelus
killed people, powerless to stop it and just as soon as I think I'm getting
somewhere, he does it again."
"Angel, Angelus had nothing to do with this, this wasn't your
fault."
"It wasn't Angelus directly, it was the threat. The Father will kill the
Son. Don't you think if Wesley actually trusted me, he'd have come to me with
this, told me what was going on? It happened with Buffy - after that, there was
something in her eyes that I couldn't shift. She didn't blame me for what
happened, but she couldn't forgive me either. Wesley's just the same."
Cordelia sighed, "Then why isn't it in my eyes? I was on first wave of the
clean up crew after he came back, why isn't it in my eyes?"
Slowly, Angel's hand came up to touch her cheek and he looked down,
"Because you're different." He said sadly, "Because you trust me
and in the end? It'll get you killed too. Connor trusted me, look where it got
him."
"You have to stop this," Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "You
have to stop blaming yourself. Put the blame where it belongs."
"Wesley?"
"Sahjhan." Said Cordelia, "You know why he did what he did -
Connor would destroy him. We'll find something to kill him and we'll get Connor
back." Her voice was laced with a confidence she didn't quite feel but it
was there nonetheless.
"I can't." Said Angel quietly.
"Can't what?"
"Do it again. Can't hope that maybe I'm... Maybe I'm atoning for my sins...
Can't hope that somehow, I'll get him back. I can't."
"B-but you have to..." She whispered, "Angel, Connor needs
us." Instead of confidence, it was now desperation that tinged her voice,
"He needs... He needs the Fang Gang to ride in on the white horse and save
him... He needs to be picked up in his Daddy's arms and hugged and his Mo - his
Aunty Cordy to be standing by and grinning. He needs his Aunty Fred ready with
the diapers and his Uncles ready with the funnies... Angel you can't give up.
We're going to give him what he needs Angel, whatever it takes."
"We can't..."
"We're going to!" Said Cordelia, her voice cracking, "Angel he's not
just your baby, he's my baby too! I fed him, clothed him... Bathed him... Did
everything a mother could for him except the actual giving birth part. I'm not
giving up on him now."
A solitary tear ran down Angel's cheek and he looked at his Seer, "You
think I like this, the giving up part?" He asked, "I don't... I
just..."
"Then don't give up. Angel, I don't know how hard it is for you - as much
as I like to pretend that Connor was my son and maybe in some ways he was for
me, for you - he simply was your son. I don't know what to do here, I've
never done this before... All I know is, I can't do this alone. I can't go out
there and get him back by myself. I need you. I need you to hope, I need you to
cling to the fact that we are going to get him back."
Angel fell silent, didn't speak again for a while, just clenched the Angel
Cordelia had given him in his hand until blood began to trickle down his wrist.
Sighing, Cordelia pulled back, "I can't sit here and do nothing." She
whispered quietly. Her heels clicked on the floor of Angel's room until at the
door, she paused. "Are you coming?" He never answered.
Ten minutes later, when Cordelia stood at the counter of the lobby, pouring
through Wesley's notes, she felt a hand slip into hers and a kiss placed on the
top of her head, "Let's get our son back." It wasn't much, he wasn't
saying that what was happening could truly be fixed but there, was a spark of
hope, something. At that point, it was all she needed.
End.
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